


I'll Keep You (My Dirty Little Secret)

by Lise



Series: Remember This Cold [31]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Interviews, Loki isn't insecure about literally everything, M/M, Secret Relationship, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve kind of craves normal sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 13:06:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3489329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve slips up in an interview and realizes what it means, in part, that he's dating an (ex-)supervillain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Keep You (My Dirty Little Secret)

**Author's Note:**

> I've talked some on my tumblr about how I've thought about Steve/Loki in the context of the wider world, and what if Steve/Loki became a publically known thing? But considering this led very quickly to realizing that it would create a shitstorm that would...probably destroy everything I've built in this verse. The outcry about Loki being on Earth alone, ignoring the part where he was in a relationship with Captain America, would tear Steve's life apart, and there would be no peaceful way, most likely, of insulating Loki from the outcry. 
> 
> So, if I can't deal with this problem actually happening in the Remember This Cold 'verse, I realized that I can at least deal with Steve coming to recognize the problem in a conscious way - and realizing that it might _be_ a problem. And that's what this fic is - just a short little piece about one of the many logistical problems of the Steve/Loki relationship in terms of their respective roles and reputations. 
> 
> Thanks to [ameliarating](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com) for the beta! In grand hobbit tradition, on this my birthday I am giving away this gift of fic. I hope you enjoy.

Steve understood, abstractly, the need for public appearances. He could even understand, abstractly, why people might want to hear him talk. But understanding did not mean he enjoyed it, and his SHIELD appointed publicist appeared to think that if he wasn’t regularly scheduled he might, in her words, “get himself into some kind of trouble.”

(Steve failed to see how a few news outlets calling him a socialist like it was a dirty word was trouble, but SHIELD appeared to believe otherwise.)

He couldn’t remember the name of the TV show he was on today, but so far all of the host’s questions had been easy enough to answer, if fairly dull. She’d told him at the beginning that she was looking for a “human interest angle” on Captain America, which seemed to mean a lot of questions about his relationships with his teammates and what sort of movies he was watching.

“We’re coming to the end of our time together, Captain Rogers,” the interviewer said, leaning back in her plush chair and crossing her legs. “I’m curious – what does your romantic life look like these days? Is there a lucky woman in your life?”

Steve had just lifted his glass of water to take a sip and nearly spat it on the table. He managed to swallow. “Excuse me?” He said, hoping his voice didn’t sound too strangled.

The interviewer smiled innocently at him. “I’m sure there are a number of women in our audience who’d love to know if Captain America is on the market.”

_On the market?_ The image popped into Steve’s head, unbidden, of a price tag around his neck, and then he realized fully what she was asking. He thought of Loki, who had kissed him with enough ferocity just before this very interview to leave Steve feeling itchy. Loki curled up next to him on the couch, head resting on his shoulder. Loki’s fingers weaving into his and the small, secret smile Steve always felt lucky to see. _Why, no,_ Steve pictured himself saying. _As a matter of fact, I’m currently in a relationship with Loki. Yes, that Loki._

He realized too late that he should have said something, that his silence had become conspicuous and his face felt warm enough that he must be flushing. “I’m sorry, Jennifer,” he said, “but that’s not the kind of thing I feel comfortable talking about on television.”

Too late. Far too late. She had a look on her face like the cat that caught the canary; barely restrained glee.

“Of course, Captain Rogers,” she said. “I didn’t mean to pry. Now, to close…”

When Steve nearly fled the stage after the segment ended, his publicist was waiting for him, an expression on her face like she was trying not to look too interested. “Is there something I should know about?” She asked.

“No,” Steve said, probably a little too tersely. “Let’s just go.”

* * *

Steve was very quiet in the cab back to the tower.

He hadn’t really thought of Loki as a secret. His friends knew about him, after all, and about their relationship more or less, and a person’s love life was _meant_ to be private, wasn’t it? Tony might not mind the tabloids slapping a picture of him with a different woman on their covers every week, but Steve wouldn’t want that kind of exposure, even if he _didn’t_ have to worry about being The Captain America in the public eye. Being called a socialist was one thing, but papers about Captain America dating might be more of an issue.

Dating a man? That might be a big enough problem for some people, even if it _shouldn’t_ be. Tony at least seemed to act like being gay was perfectly normal now, but Steve doubted that was really the case. And dating _Loki…_

Just that day Steve’s eye had been caught by a headline that claimed a ‘Loki sighting’ in San Francisco. He’d picked up the paper, worried, and found that it also included articles on the possibility that Amelia Earhart had really been a vampire and had disappeared to keep her immortality from becoming conspicuous. Still, it had shaken him. SHIELD tolerated Loki’s presence, but if the world at large knew that he was back on Earth, that could change. People would want him tried. People would want him executed.

He wondered if Loki realized that, and it occurred to him somewhat guiltily that he’d probably worked it out before Steve had thought about it.

There was a difference, he realized suddenly, between privacy and secrecy, and what he had with Loki had to be the latter. They would never be able to be seen together. He’d never be able to walk down the street holding hands with Loki in his own shape without a spell to make bystanders forget or not notice. They wouldn’t be able to buy a house or apartment together openly or in their own names.

Steve’s stomach churned nervously. Loki had teased him once, when Steve had told him to be careful about leaving marks on his neck where they might be visible. _Am I your dirty little secret, Captain?_ He’d asked, voice light, but Steve suddenly found himself wondering if it was that sort of lightness which masked a painful truth.

_I’m not ashamed of him,_ Steve thought. _That’s not it. If anyone outside of the Avengers knew, neither of us would be safe._ _Loki has to know that._

Did he?

* * *

“You’re a social media sensation,” Tony said, accosting Steve the second he stepped inside. “More than usual, I mean. The memes haven’t started yet, but it’s only a matter of time.” He shoved a phone in Steve’s face and he read a headline blaring “ _Who is Cap’s mystery girlfriend?_ ” Steve pushed Tony’s arm down and away, grimacing. “Notice the assumption it has to be a girlfriend, too, wow. In our 21st century.”

“Tony,” Steve said, a little strained. “Not now.”

“Gawker made a list of the top candidates and they didn’t put me on it, I’m offended. _And_ someone suggested Batroc the Leaper in the comments-”

“Tony,” Steve said more loudly. He stopped and actually looked at Steve, and frowned.

“You’re upset. Why are you upset?” Tony’s eyes narrowed. “Are you worried they’re going to find out your boyfriend tried to conquer the planet? No one’s going to tell and there’s no paparazzi in my tower, so you can drop that one. Not to mention Loki’s gotta have his own ways to stay hidden.”

Steve shook his head. “It’s not that. I never thought-” He broke off.

Tony’s eyebrows rose. “Don’t like keeping secrets from the American people?”

“Well, no, but-” Steve exhaled loudly and decided to go ahead and say it. “I know it’s how it has to be. For Loki’s safety even more than anything else. But – do you think it bothers _Loki?_ ”

“Bothers Loki?” Tony looked puzzled. “Why would it bother Loki?”

“I don’t know – not being able to tell anyone…” Steve trailed off.

“Who’s he going to tell? All his supervillain friends?” Tony scoffed. “The guy loves secrets, Steve. It’s probably a kink or something.”

“That’s not exactly-” Steve grimaced. “Never mind.” Tony’s flippant comment made him wince, the reminder of Loki’s isolation decidedly unpleasant. He stepped around Tony and headed for the stairs.

“The RPF shippers are going to go crazy with this, I hope you know!” Tony shouted after him. Steve decided not to respond.

He took the time climbing up the eleven flights of stairs to Loki’s floor to think about how he was going to ask Loki about this so he didn’t just brush it off. He was no closer to figuring it out when he reached Loki’s door and knocked.

Loki opened the door. “I watched your interview,” he said without preamble. “You are no better at lying than you were when I first met you.” He sounded amused more than anything, and Steve could feel his face heat up.

“I wasn’t exactly expecting the question,” he said.

“Mmm. You should have been. The woman was flirting with you for the entire duration.” Steve blinked, tried to think back, and shook his head.

“No way. I didn’t notice anything.”

“You never do,” Loki said serenely. “But the way she angled herself toward you, toyed with her hair, a thousand other small signals…oh yes, she was definitely flirting with you. Though I suppose I should be relieved you didn’t notice. I wouldn’t want anyone tempting you away.” Loki’s fingers hooked into the waistband of Steve’s pants and reeled him in, smirking, and Steve just managed to plant his hands on Loki’s shoulders before he got sucked in too far.

“Wait,” he said, “can we talk for a second?”

Loki’s eyebrows went up and he didn’t unhook his fingers, but he did pause. “That sounds serious.”

“It’s not…” Steve sighed and shook his head. “Does it bother you? That I have to keep this…us…a secret?”

Loki blinked, seeming genuinely startled. Then he laughed. “No! Why should it bother me?” His smile was bright and easy, and for that reason Steve did not trust it. “On the contrary, there is something rather delectably scandalous about being your…forbidden lover.”

“Loki,” Steve said, trying to infuse his voice with the worry he felt. “I’m serious. I’d understand if it did, if you didn’t like feeling like I had to – to hide you away and pretend you’re not important to me.”

Loki’s smile faded. “I know it cannot be any other way,” he said. Steve felt his heart sink.

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

Loki pulled his hand from Steve’s pants and took a step back. “Sometimes I have wondered if you are ashamed of me,” he said, gaze moving past Steve’s shoulder, toward the kitchen. “If you feel as though your attraction to me is wrong. Or perhaps – if your attraction to me is because you feel it is wrong.”

Steve’s eyes widened and his stomach lurched. “That’s not-”

“I know it is not so,” Loki said, giving him a faintly crooked smile. “That is not the sort of man you were. But the thought is not foreign to me. Perhaps there is a part of me that wishes I could claim you in the sight of everyone, so all would know that you are mine – but truly? I do not need that. Most days, it is enough to know it for myself, and remember that out of all of those who desire you it is _I_ who has the pleasure of your company at the end of your days.” Loki cocked his head. “Does that satisfy you?”

Steve considered. It should. It was what he would have wanted to hear, but he didn’t _feel_ any better, not really. It sounded like Loki was telling the truth, and the way he phrased it made Steve’s chest feel a little warm – especially the _claim you in the sight of everyone_ part, which made Steve’s _face_ feel a little warm. “I don’t know,” he said slowly. “I still…”

“Perhaps the question you should ask,” Loki said, taking a step back toward Steve and brushing his fingers against his face, “is if it bothers _you._ ”

Steve hadn’t…he realized he hadn’t thought of that. Hadn’t really considered the possibility that maybe he was just projecting his own worries onto Loki, but when Loki said it…

“It does,” he said. “Sometimes. But not because – not because I’m _ashamed_ but because I’m _not._ Because I want everyone to see you like I do and get that you’re – that you’re not what they think you are. I want to be able to _tell_ people about you and talk about you and not feel like I’m hiding this – huge, important part of my life, even if I’m not lying about it actively. I want to be able to walk down the street holding hands and not need you to disguise yourself or keep people from seeing you. I want-” Steve broke off and looked down, suddenly feeling embarrassed. Loki’s fingers trailed down his neck and Steve heard him sigh.

“I am sorry,” he said quietly. “That you cannot…have these things.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Steve said vehemently. “You don’t need to be sorry and you shouldn’t be. I know…like you said. It can’t be any other way. Even if…people wouldn’t understand.”

Loki pulled his hand away. “And that does hurt you.” His voice was soft. “I can only ever be the tarnish on your golden image.”

“I don’t care about my golden image,” Steve said, catching Loki’s hand. That might not be _entirely_ true, but it was true enough. Captain America wasn’t important because of what the symbol meant to _Steve._ “You’re more important to me than that. And being with you – is more important than any of the other stuff. And I _mean_ it, all right? Don’t think – don’t think I don’t.” He pulled Loki back toward him and reached out to caress his face and run his fingers into his hair. “If the rest of it bothers me…it’s only because it bothers me that people don’t know you like I do.”

“And you wish they did.” There was something strange in Loki’s voice.

“Yes,” Steve said. “I wish they did. You shouldn’t have to be – my forbidden lover or my dirty secret. Because you’re not that. You’re more than that. And you deserve more.”

“You certainly do,” Loki murmured, and leaned into him, arms sliding slowly around Steve’s waist.

“I’m not the only one,” Steve said firmly. “And don’t try to argue with me on that. I won’t accept it.”

“And if that’s all I can be?” Loki asked.

“That’s never all you’ll be,” Steve said. “Not to me. You’re Loki. And whatever anyone else knows or doesn’t know, you’re still mine. And if that’s enough for you…it’s enough for me.”


End file.
